Saturday, October 20, 2012

No nudity Dracula

After an extended stay with my uncle I finally returned home.  Upon walking in the door I was struck with the scent of earth and decay.  Sitting in my recliner was a nasty old skeleton with a familiar tin pot on his head.  It waved at me and gave me a thumbs up.  Immediately I yelled for Dracula to explain what was going on.  "This is Dracula's undead servant!  Dracula's dark army grows!"  He told me with a grin.  Dracula you can not keep a nasty old skeleton in our apartment.  I'm pretty sure that is the homeless guy that was here when I left.  Just because he is a skeleton doesn't make it cool for him to be naked either Dracula.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Real talk

It’s been two days and the homeless guy is still sitting in our recliner. His shopping cart of cats has disappeared but the smell has gotten worse. He refuses to speak to me directly and waves Dracula over to whisper into his ear then Dracula relays his message to me. Dracula says he is his vassal. You don’t need a vassal Dracula. I am going to my uncle’s house for the weekend and I don’t want him here when I get back. Take him to a shelter; this man needs real help from professionals.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Dracula loves cats

Saturday morning I was awoken by an odd sound I couldn't place, like angry animals.  I walked out of the bedroom to find an obviously homeless man sitting on our recliner with a shopping cart full of cats next to him.  The whole room reeked of ammonia.  He grinned and offered me a cat.  I declined and turned to face Dracula who was staring intently at the cats.  "Dracula LOVES cats!" he exclaimed.  I told him we can’t have a cat as we had already been fined by the land lord for his snakes being loose all over the place.  No pets Dracula.  "Dracula will care for it!  Dracula is master of beasts!"  You're not a beast master Dracula.  I found a snake skeleton in the cupboard last week.  This is on you Dracula.  I'm gonna tell your mom if you let this cat die.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Dracula is not good with computers

Dracula's mom bought a new computer last week and gave Dracula their old family computer.  Since then Dracula has done nothing but play math blasters and listen to midi files on his brothers geocities page.  Yesterday Dracula's computer got the blue screen of death.  Dracula begged me to fix it so I did the best I could.  I removed tons of old programs his mom used to have on there.  This morning I was awoken by Dracula kicking in my bedroom door and yelling about his computer.  "Dracula cannot surf the web!  What have you done with Dracula's internet?!"  Eventually I figured out that Dracula was mad that I uninstalled Netscape.  Netscape isn't the internet Dracula, its just a browser.  Its not even that anymore!  Use Firefox Dracula.

Dracula hates garlic crust

It was Friday night and my turn to host my fantasy tennis league.  We were holding our draft and a pizza party was in order.  I didn't get off of work until 5 that evening so I placed our order with Father Johns ahead of time to be delivered at 6.  I stopped at a convenience store on the way home to buy paper plates and soda and was running a little late so I called Dracula to let him know the pizza was on the way and if he paid for it I would pay him back.  Dracula agreed to pay for the pizza in exchange for me allowing him to hold his Power Players Club meeting at our apartment next Friday.  The Power Players Club was a group dedicated to completing challenges from the cards that used to come with Nintendo Power magazine so I saw no problem.

I finally got home at 6:30 and was aghast at what I found.  The pizza delivery driver was still there playing paperboy on NES with Dracula.  The pizzas were strewn about the apartment.  They had been thrown all over the place with force.  Not one pizza remained intact.  Furiously, I demanded Dracula tell me what had happened.  He replied with "Dracula hates garlic butter!"  The delivery guy just laughed and nodded.
You ruined my fantasy tennis league draft Dracula.  I hope your NES breaks.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Dracula is not an artist

Everyday for two years I've emptied the change from my pockets into a 10 gallon water jug.  I planned on treating myself to a few new wall scrolls once the jar was filled.  Thanks to Dracula my wall will remain bare awhile longer.  I came home from an evening at my local gaming parlor to find my jar empty.  Dracula was standing in front a large mass covered by a sheet on the kitchen table.  With a flourish he rips away the sheet proclaiming "Behold! Dracula's masterpiece!".  Under the sheet were matching copper and silver busts of Dracula made from my change super glued together.  That's not a masterpiece Dracula.  A masterpiece is one thing, those are two.  I hate you Dracula.  You owe me some wall scrolls.

Monday, December 26, 2011

Dracula almost killed me

I left work early to try and get home before Dracula got out of his spin class.  As I drove through the four way intersection in front of our apartment complex, I was t boned by a large suv.  I have spent the last several weeks in the hospital.  Dracula came to visit me on Christmas.  He even brought me a gift.  All wrapped up in old newspaper was the stop sign from outside our apartment.  "No need to thank Dracula.  Dracula knows how you were always looking at this stop sign!".  You almost killed me Dracula.  I hate you.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dracula is depressed

I came home the other day around 1 in the afternoon. All the lights were off and "Dust in the the Wind" was echoing through the apartment.  I found Dracula sitting in the corner with his head burried in his hands.  I asked him if he was ok. He told me "Go away!  Dracula wants to be alone!".  Growing concerned for Dracula and tired of "Dust in the Wind", I called Dracula's mom.  She told me he had lost his favorite slammer in a pogs match with his brother. I told you never to bet your slammer Dracula.  You are horrible at pogs.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Dracula likes ocean sounds

Dracula had been having trouble sleeping. His mom said he should try listening to the sounds of the ocean as he falls asleep. So Dracula took his cassette recorder and went down to the docks.  Now all night long Dracula blasts ocean sounds from his boombox. It's not even the nice ocean sounds.  It's all seagulls and fog horns.  I asked Dracula to wear headphones but "Dracula cannot sleep in headphones!"  I hate your sounds of the ocean cassette Dracula.   

Monday, November 28, 2011

Dracula is a thief

I bought a package of hotdogs to eat as a snack from time to time.  Dracula berated me for it claiming that hotdogs are made from the unused nasty parts and stated that "Dracula only eats kosher!"  I told him the hotdogs were not for him, they were my special time snack.

I woke up that night around 2 am and wanted one of my tasty dogs.  When I opened the fridge all I found was eight shriveled up husks of hot dog skins, still in the package, and two tiny holes in the plastic over each.  I know you sucked the meat out of my hotdogs Dracula!  I bought those hotdogs for me.  You ruin everything Dracula.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Dracula cheats

Dracula is a sore loser.

Dracula got Monopoly for his birthday.  He was so excited to play and told me that "Dracula will ruin you financially!".  I beat him pretty bad and he kicked over the board and stormed out.  Houses went everywhere and one of his snakes choked on the race car.  The next day he demanded a rematch.  He beat me this time and has not stopped gloating about it.  I know you cheated Dracula.  I know you stole the Monopoly money from the game at your little brothers daycare.  Cheating is for losers Dracula.  You're a loser.

Dracula wanted a harem

Dracula bought a tanning bed.

Dracula wanted to get a tan to attract a harem of young women to be his mindless slaves.  UV radiation, regardless of its source, burns Dracula.  Dracula says that only the sun burns him.  Dracula was almost arrested after getting in a heated argument with the firefighters that came after his burning flesh set off the fire alarm.  The whole apartment complex smells like burnt Dracula meat.  Our landlord is charging us damages.  You're an idiot Dracula.

Dracula is bad with money

Dracula spent his half of the rent on a bag of snakes.

Walking home from the public library where he checks his Myspace account, Dracula happened upon a homeless man selling "Magic Snakes".  Dracula bought the whole bag.  He said he was expanding Dracula's dark army.  I had to sell my collection of commemorative Olympic mugs to cover his half of the rent.  I hate your snakes Dracula.  I cant get close to the radiator without getting snake bites all over my hands and face.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Stop eating dairy Dracula

Dracula is lactose intolerant.

Dracula is my room mate and we live in a very small studio apartment.  Every time the ice cream truck comes down our street Dracula runs outside and buys two big ice cream cones, both for him.  Dracula knows he is lactose intolerant but just refuses to acknowledge the fact claiming that "Dracula is immune to dairy."  I hate you Dracula.  Stop eating dairy.

Dracula is dishonest

As you can see from the picture of Dracula in the last post, Dracula wears a gold chain.

Its not even real gold.  Dracula got it from one of those little machines at the entrance of the grocery store for fifty cents.  Don't point this out to Dracula though cause he will get all super offended and make fun of your haircut.  Ill have Dracula know that my aunt cuts hair for a living.  You suck Dracula.

This is Dracula and I hate him

This is Dracula.

I hate this guy.  Dracula owes me 30 dollars.  We were out drinking one night and Dracula didn't know his limit.  He ended up throwing up on my favorite silk button up shirt, the one with the dragons.  He swore he would clean it and he never did.  Dracula says that it never happened.  He says that he cant get drunk because he is Dracula and alcohol doesn't effect Dracula.  Whatever Dracula, you owe me 30 dollars.